FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
