i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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