i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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