the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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