just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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