i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
