I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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