That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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