yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
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