if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Small penises have feelings too.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
