oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
two words...techno handjob
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Randomize
