I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
