why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
