I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
