nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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