best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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