My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
