i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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