I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
