he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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