I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
