I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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