My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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