It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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