im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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