Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
