The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Randomize
