If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
