Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
