I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
