woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
