Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
