Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
