The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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