i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
zippers are such a cool invention
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
