so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
