I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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