I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
