Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
