I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
