The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
