my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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