im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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