I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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