They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
