My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I touched a dick in church today
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