Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
