it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
