apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
