I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
not ubering you a puppy
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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