I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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