I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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