He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
