thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
