Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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