Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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