I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
