the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
