Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
