Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
