Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize