I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
