can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
